


Have a Merry Crisis

by Flustered



Series: Death's Crusade [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Boy-Who-Lived Neville Longbottom, Christmas, Drabble, Evil Albus Dumbledore, F/M, Female Harry Potter, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Metamorphmagus Harry Potter, Molly Weasley Bashing, Potions Master Harry Potter, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Prankster Harry Potter, Ron Weasley Bashing, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:09:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27882025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flustered/pseuds/Flustered
Summary: Molly wants Harriet to come for Christmas break in the hopes of making her hook up with Ron. Ron wants Harriet to marry him for money and fame.And Harriet wants to give them the worst Christmas experience they've ever had. Combined forces with the twins, Harriet's genius potions, and a fictional cousin Bernard, she's going to get what she wants.Meanwhile Arthur is in the corner and wants to know what the purpose of The Elf on the Shelf is...[an alternate universe of an alternative universe. non canonical to Deaths Crusade]
Relationships: Harry Potter/Fred Weasley/George Weasley
Series: Death's Crusade [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1588111
Comments: 40
Kudos: 383





	1. The Plot Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! To those who haven't read my silly series before hand, you can just skip until it says, in bold, December 12th, 1995. The rest of the novel won't be as confusing, unless you have read my prior book. The beginning bit is to just tie into the rest of the series, but if you skip it then the rest of the this book will be straight forward.

In the infinite amount of universes, there is one we shall tell their tale during this festive time. This tale does not follow the original tale of Harriet Potter, but an offshoot of what could have been. In a previous book, we mentioned how each and every choice can result in an alternate reality. And it started here:

Harriet took a right when she should have taken a left.

She had just finished spiking Filches mop bucket with her newest potion she made. Unmeltable ice. Filch was yelling his head off, his face turning into a deep purple, and Harriet had taken down her notes and was satisfied by her prank. On the other hand, Filch was madder than a bag of cats. His robes and shoes had been caught within the ice, and he was spitting curses and threats about chains and whips. And like any good prankster out there, she needed to get out of dodge. She slipped from her hiding place from behind a corner, and left quickly.

In our original story, Harriet went left, taking a staircase down a few flights. However, this universe was created when Harriet decided instead to head right. Down a hallway, she knew there was a hidden staircase behind a tapestry. And she was going to slip away, unnoticed, to wait to see what the Weasley Twins were going to retaliate in the war. To watch the reactions of the whole school. To find joy in the art of her creation.

However.

It didn’t go as planned.

Harriet didn’t have a light to guide her down into the hidden staircase, and to her immense shock, she collided with somebody. They were apparently as shocked as Harriet was, and they gave out a yelp. An heavy warm hand gripped Harriet tightly to stop her from falling down the stairs, and somebody whispered, “lumos.”

Two redheads peered down at Harriet. They were barely a head taller than she was, but their startled expressions still loomed over her. Her mouth went dry and her heart began to ricochet around her chest. “You scared me,” one of the twins said, the one holding Harriet. His hand was gripping her loosely.

“Now what's a little Puff doing in a hidden staircase this late at night?” The other one spoke, he held the wand that was lit up. “Up to no good, are you?”

Harriet’s worst fear had been realized. She had been _seen_. With a choking sound, she ripped her hand from the twins grasp and fled down the stairs and into the darkness. They didn’t shout or follow after her, and it wasn’t until Harriet had fled into her room and shut the door did she feel safe.

“No,” she shakily breathed, “no no no. They saw me.” She wanted to curl up into a ball and pretend that she didn’t exist anymore. This was the worst possible outcome. The people whom she was in a prank war saw her, and now they knew her face. They were going to figure it out. They were going to know that it was her. And they will turn her in.

Detentions. Oh Merlin the detentions. It wouldn’t be awful with Professor Sprout, but Snape had a special love terrorising her. And her heart couldn’t take the idea of Snape being anywhere near her more than she had to. Evil. Hateful man. They were- they were going to target her now. She was prime suspect number one.

Harriet had spent ages trying to protect her identity, and now in a single minute, she blew it.

Some hours later, when the night was waning, Harriet laid in bed. Her fright had left her, and her sense of denial kicked in. They didn’t know what she was doing up so late. They didn’t know her name or who she was. There was a good chance that maybe they met a lot of people out in the halls after curfew, and they wouldn’t blink an eye at seeing her. And besides, Harriet had a reputation for being an idiot. There was no way they could pin the recent pranks on her. No sir. Not at all.

She was nearly asleep when a thought popped into her head. And suddenly, she was wide awake. Panic surged through her again. Her hands shot out and found that her robe pockets were empty.

Where. 

Where was her notebook?

The one with all of her potion notes in them? With all of her ideas?

Oh no.

* * *

(In this alternate universe, there are several changes to the story that occurred in the original Harry Potter universe. We will quickly summarize the changes, so we can get on with the tale.

  * Harriet, Fred, and George became friends during her first year. They figured out that she was the mysterious prankster from her notebook, and slowly dragged her out of her shell. It took a long time, but once they gained Harriet’s trust, they were as thick as thieves. Practically inseparable. They had so much alike, and with the same amount of insane craziness, they were practically meant to be best friends. The hijinks that ensued after they joined forces were legendary.
  * Lord Voldemort did not manage to discover the ritual for rebirth until 1999, the year that Neville Longbottom, the boy who lived, had since graduated Hogwarts and was pursuing a degree in plants. The war resurged after this, and was quickly stopped nine months in, when Neville Longbottom, who had many years to gather Horcruxes with his two friends, killed Voldemort by shooting him with a muggle sniper rifle. It was hella rad.
  * In Harriet’s third year, an investigation was placed after she came back from summer break with broken ribs. Her housemate, Susan Bones, alerted her aunt and it was found that Harriet was placed into an abusive muggle home. Further looking into her past, it was found that she was bound in an illegal marriage contract with Ronald Weasley, and her magical core was dangerously bound. And it was discovered that Albus Dumbledore had misused his power within Wizengamot and was stealing funds from her. Amelia Bones did not allow him to escape his crimes without punishment, and was released from all positions of power, and slapped with heavy fines.
  * In her fourth year, it was fairly normal which was saying something. No evil snakes petrifying kids, no escaped prisoners. It was wholly normal. Except for that one incident with the Zombie Unicorns, but we will not go into details about that.
  * (Harriet’s crush formed in her second year, when she noticed that Fred had dimples. George’s nose wrinkled when he was trying to decipher her potion notes. And ever since then, the thought of them being cute stuck inside of her skull, ratting annoyingly whenever she was around them. They were her friends, and Harriet didn’t want to mess it up with feelings. Feelings were dumb anyways.)
  * (Fred and George didn’t realize that they saw Harriet more than another little sister. They were in their sixth year, and Harriet was in her fourth. George was the first to notice how Harriet’s laugh sent butterflies through him. They were running away from a very angry Snape, whom they had tricked by severing his greasy hair. And the light caught on Harriet’s flushed face, with a loopy smile on her lips, and he thought, ‘ _oh.’_



Fred was three months behind George in his revelation. It wasn’t quite as wholesome as George’s realization. He was in the middle of snogging Angelina in a hidden corner of a hallway, when he closed his eyes and suddenly he imagined he was kissing a redhaired girl with green eyes. It startled him enough that Angelina noticed, and left him with her nose in the air, effectively ending their relationship. It took a few days before he came to realize his affections for Harriet weren't as pure as he once thought.

Let’s just say that both boys had a crisis about it.)

* * *

**December 12th, 1995.**

(Fifth year.)

Harriet lounged on a window seat in Gryffindor Tower, absentmindedly turning pages on the Christmas Owling Catalogue. She rather liked coming up and spending time in the tower, even though she wasn’t allowed to. She had been sorted into Hufflepuff. But the window looking out over Hogwarts was refreshing and peaceful. Harriet often came up here when she had troubling thoughts. And right now it was no different.

She had a dilemma. What to get for two pests who wouldn’t leave her alone? She sighed, looking out the dark window out at the snow that was drifting past. Wishing that somehow an answer for all of her problems came floating down from the sky. Understandably, that didn’t happen.

“Lee?” She mused, looking over at the other occupant in the room. “What are good Christmas options? For the brats.”

Lee Jordan looked up from his book, seeming scatterbrained. It was his seventh year, and he was already hitting the books hard for his NEWTs. “Harriet? When did you get in here?” He mumbled, but didn’t seem to be surprised to see the Hufflepuff in their dorm room. “What did you ask me?” He blinked and rubbed at his eyes.

“Christmas gifts. For the two terrors. What are some good options?”

Lee Jordan pondered the question, as if he was bewildered to have even thought about Christmas. “I always give them a decent supply of pepper up.”

Harriet let out a long sigh. “Yeah, but you always give them that. Like, every other week. Have they mentioned that there is something they would want? Specifically? Every idea I have is a new pranking toy they can mess around with. And they have everything from Zonkos. They keep rifling through my notes so I can’t work on a project without them knowing about it.” She pouted. But Harriet had long since gotten used to the fact that the twins loved to stick their noses into her hobby.

Lee shrugged. “I mean, I have never really heard them say that they wanted anything. They’re pretty low maintenance. Just point them at Filch or Snape and let them run wild.”

Harriet flipped through the catalogue again uselessly. “Do you think they’d like, erm. A nice cologne? Or maybe some hair gel? Because that’s all this offers for wizards. There are a thousand things for witches.” She closed a page on a tiara that was covered in diamonds and opals in defeat.

“I don’t think they would like those. What did you get them last year?”

Harriet sighed and fell back onto the gold and red pillows. Her red hair falling behind her, blending in with the colors. “I gave them unrestricted access to the Marauder Compendium for a week.”

“Ohhh, so that’s where they got the antler hex from.” Lee nodded. “So, why don’t you do it again?”

“It’s different Lee.” Harriet threw the magazine onto the ground dramatically. “We’re like. Holding hands now. I mean, I know we’re just friends. But to me it feels like I need to step it up. We’ve sort of moved up into a comfortable relationship where we occasionally hold hands and maybe hug. I know it’s nothing in real life, but to me it’s a big thing. I’ve got to get them something that signifies that new step.” She whined at Lee.

Lee looked rather unimpressed. “Your new relationship with your best mates- of which I am still their number one best friend and I will fight you on that- is that you occasionally hold hands and hug sometimes? So get them a candle.”

“No!” Harriet gave Lee a look, “candles can mean that I’m more romantically inclined with them then they are with me! That’s like, first date material. I can’t just give them a candle. Can you imagine their reaction? The audacity!”

“Just snog ‘em.” Lee sighed, “you’ve literally had a crush on them since forever ago. They’ve been knobs the entire time. Just get on with it. Grab one of them and just kiss ‘em silly. It’s driving me crazy.”

“ _Snog?_ ” Harriet placed a hand on her chest and looked aghast. “We will have to be married by then.”

“I can’t tell if you’re joking.” Lee responded. “Please tell me that’s a joke. Please. I cannot take the amount of talk about your lovely face in this room anymore. Please. It’s two against one. And they get crabby with me if I tell them to ask you out.”

Harriet’s face dropped, “they don’t want to date me?”

Lee sputtered, “ah no! They do!”

“But- but what if. Oh no. What if they really don’t like me. What if I am reading too much into this.” Harriet slumped back down onto the pillows. “I should just... Get them a box of chocolates. Lace them with something. Call it good.”

“No no no. I think they would want to date you. I mean, anybody would be incredibly lucky if you went to Hogsmeade with them. You’re not reading this wrongly.” Lee was trying to save himself. “They want to take their time. Or something.” Lee muttered quietly to himself so Harriet couldn’t hear, “they’re too chicken to do it mostly.”

Harriet let out a loud wail and pulled a pillow over her head. “I’m reading too much into this! I’m such an idiot!” She said through fabric.

The door slammed open. It wasn't unusual. There was a dent in the stone wall where the door had repeatedly been rammed into. “Who called you an idiot?” Fred walked in. And on his heels, George followed. 

“Meeee,” Harriet sighed through the pillow miserably. “And also Lee.”

“I did not!” Lee pointed at Harriet, standing up to warily look at the twins. “For the record, I did not call anybody an idiot.”

“Don’t worry, we believe you. Girl hormones.” George whispered the last sentence, but it didn’t get past Harriet. She threw the pillow at him, giving him a death glare. Her green eyes narrowed into slits.

“For the last time, you cannot pin everything on my period!” 

Without a pause Fred fell to his knees, “oh great and powerful Harriet, please forgive us of our crimes. We give you this offering, in the hopes that you do not slay us where we stand.” He held out a bar of chocolate reverently to Harriet as he shuffled closer to her.

Harriet sniffed delicately, and took the offering. “I forgive you, Fred. But your brother is not.” She cracked open the wrapper and took a bite of the savory chocolate. Hmm. Minty.

“I’ll take it.” Fred replied, getting up before moving over to his bed. “Sorry George, you’re out of luck. That was the last bar from our ‘Don’t Let Harriet Get Mad’ kit.” He said casually, giving George a crooked daring smile.

George shrugged, “you’ll forgive me eventually, right Harriet?”

Harriet stared down at the older twin. And took a bite of chocolate. She made it as menacing as possible. “Right, Harriet?” He repeated nervously. He gave her a tense grin. “I’m still your favorite, yeah?”

“Watch your back, G.” Harriet replied smartly.

Fred and Lee cackled at the horrified look on George’s face. “But but but-” George was starting to protest and Harriet watched on with amusement. Fred at that moment tossed a letter at Harriet. She caught it without looking. She gave Fred a questioning look.

“This came for you at dinner.” Was all he said, as he loosened his tie.

Harriet took one look at it and her good mood dissipated. “Oh you have got to be joking.” She rolled her eyes so hard it almost hurt.

“What’s wrong?” Fred asked, and George picked up on Harriet’s bad mood. Harriet had her ‘I’m very irritated’ face on. That was never a good sign.

“Your mom.” Harriet replied drily, “I’ve blocked her owls for months now, and yet she still sends me things. She's been trying to get me to come to your house for Christmas break. To make Ron and I get together.” She shuddered at the thought of Ronald ‘Annoying’ Weasley. “Where is the closest candle, so I can burn this as slowly and painfully as I can? I need to savor it.”

Fred looked at George. George looked at Fred. “Has she always sent you an invite back to the burrow?”

Ever since there was a whole legal battle between Harriet and Ron’s illegal betrothal contract, they took a few steps away from their mum. Molly was convinced that Harriet and Ron were always meant to be. It made them uncomfortable.

“Since fourth year. After the incident of the Zombie Unicorns Hagrid unwittingly set on the castle.” Harriet rolled her eyes, “ever since that, she keeps on trying to get me to your home every break.” She cocked her head to the side, and her voice pitched higher in a peculiar way that did sound like Molly Weasley, “oh, come to our home. You must be so frightened by everything, so come and spend time with my obnoxious son! He’ll protect you by trying to kiss you.”

Fred made a garbled sound, “Ron tried to kiss you?!” 

Harriet wasn’t looking at him, but peering out the window. “Oh yeah. But for the most part I’ve told him to piss off. Bloody wanker hasn’t gotten it into his head that we aren’t illegally betrothed anymore.” She still held a bitter grudge against that. Harriet never held it against George and Fred, they had nothing to do with it. Ever since it had been resolved, Harriet tried her best to forget about it.

Lee snorted, leaning back into his chair. “Ron is thicker than a pile of dragon dung, no offense.” He glanced at the other Weasley’s.

“None taken.” George reflexively replied. “We aren’t very close.” Fred seemed to be processing that his younger brother was trying to kiss his crush, fighting the urge to do something drastic.

“Yeah, he’ll never take the hint.” Lee continued, “you can straight up say that you’d rather marry a mountain troll and somehow he’d still think you’re still talking about him. It’s the same with Molly as well. Ron takes after her.”

Harriet groaned, “he’s going to haunt me forever.” She gave a curious glance at the twins. “How can I get it into his thick head that I’m not interested in him? Do I just hit him hard? Maybe send a pack of howlers telling him off?”

Fred answered, “it takes a lot of work. The main bit is you really need to embarrass him. To the point where he avoids you. And you have to really ram it into his skull that you’re not interested in him. All of that is a bit tricky since he never listens. Not to mention that it can take weeks for him to get it.”

George sat up straight on his bed. “That’s it!” His eyes were lit up with glee. “I figured it out!”

Harriet gave him a bemused fond look, “figured what out?”

“How to get him and our mom off your back!” George was on his feet, pacing. His hands gesturing in wild motions. It was a delight to see him so excited by a breakthrough. Although Fred wasn’t picking up what George was obviously putting down by his own puzzled look. “Don’t burn that letter! Go to the Burrow for Christmas break.”

“What?” Harriet didn’t expect that answer. “There is no way-” she began to protest.

George flew up to her and wiggled his hands around, “but that’s the best bit! They won’t suspect you! What if, we,” he gestured to himself and Fred, “invited our cousin Bernard to spend Christmas with us?”

“Bernard?!” Fred exclaimed in confusion. “We have a cousin Bernard?”

“Just listen. But okay, what if. Harriet, and Bernard you know, really connected? Like, you start flirting and whatever, in front of Ron. And so he sees that you like somebody else besides him! Add in a few pranks, maybe he finally gets the hint. And so does mom. There, problem solved!” George seemed manic. 

Harriet was starting to see what he was trying to articulate. “Your mom usually keeps an eye on you two. If one of you pretended to be Bernard, wouldn’t your parents notice that conveniently that one of you is missing?”

“Well, that’s the best bit. You’re a metamorphmagus, yeah? Well. You can be him. And there are so many redheads, and mum would be going crazy, the chances of her noticing one of us pretending to be you would be minimal.”

“Wait, we would be Harriet?” Fred asked confused, “I mean I understand what you’re saying. But-”

“Harriet, what would you do if Ron was trying to flirt with you?” George asked, interrupting his brother.

“Probably stab him or something.” Harriet shrugged then a light dawned on her, “oh, I get what you’re saying. A Christmas break where I can have a bit of peace and mayhem. I’m not against it. It sounds like fun.”

“Plus, we can always switch between us. No problem.” George and Fred nodded at the statement, “so I think we could possibly handle a bit of Ron.”

Harriet fell back onto the Gryffindor pillows, her Hufflepuff tie loosened around her neck. A Marauder's smile pasted onto her face. “So, I do want to clarify.” She languishly flicked a piece of hair to the side, baring her throat. She didn’t notice that both twins swallowed suddenly at the sight. “We are collectively going to make this Christmas the worst that they have ever seen,” she burst into a mischievous grin, “right?”

“Merlin,” Lee whispered, closing the book he was studying from. “I’m not getting any sleep tonight.”


	2. And Don't Forget The Cheese

**December 21th, 1995**

Harriet had never left Hogwarts during a seasonal break before. She sat down onto the train, looking out the window as snow fell in heavy sheets. It was a strange sight, one that she had never seen before. It was always summer or fall when she traveled upon the red train, and watching the cloudy day from the window gave her a sense of displacement.

This was strange.

Was she really doing this?

A cluster of nerves in her stomach told her, ‘yes, yes you are.’ And if this went terribly, Harriet would have to deal with the Weasley’s breathing down her neck for the next two weeks. The only positive thing coming from this is that she would suffer with Fred and George, but she wasn’t sure if spending two weeks in close company with Ron made up for that.

Harriet preferred to spend her hols doing experiments. Their future joke shop wasn’t going to stock itself with unusual and brand new potions without her. Alone, spending time in their laboratory. Plus she could use her wand while she resided within Hogwarts. Was she really making the right decision?

The door to the compartment opened, and Luna Lovegood poked her head into the cabin. “Oh hello,” Luna greeted Harriet with her pale blue eyes. “Can I sit in here?”

“You don’t need to ask me,” Harriet said, “there could be a snufflehut in here. You ought to ask them first.”

Luna gave Harriet a brilliant smile, “you’re correct. Excuse me snufflehut, may I sit in here?” There was a pause, and Luna nodded before sitting down. “I’ll still leave acorns out for one anyways. Some snufflehuts are shy.” She was wearing a blue tiara made out of glass, along with a necklace with a heavy stone tied to it.

Harriet remembered something, and ruffled through her satchel before pulling it out. “Hey, can you sign my Quibbler?” She held out the magazine. “I loved the part with how this is just an alternate universe of another alternate universe, and somehow Bill Gates, whoever that is, gets the bubonic plague. That, and my zodiac predicted that I might shoot my archenemy with a rifle.”

Luna positively beamed at Harriet. Accepting the Quibbler, and reached down into her shirt. She returned with a muggle marker in hand, and gave the magazine a scribble. “Daddy says that this edition for the Quibbler was written by a muggle in college and he received all the knowledge during a dream. Personally, I think most of the zodiac predictions are correct, but only come true once per person.” She gave the Quibbler back, “don’t worry Harriet, I’m sure your zodiac prediction will come soon. I saw one last month that sounded like you. Beware of beehives in the snow.”

Harriet glanced down and saw that Luna had written, _‘xoxo Luna, and don’t forget the cheese’_ and gave a chuckle. “So, how’s Ravenclaw holding up?” She asked her dear friend, her nerves and thoughts settling as she distracted herself with talking.

“Oh good. Ever since you showed me how to get rid of the nargles they’ve left me alone. I never knew they hated pepper spray to the face.” Luna mused dreamily. “Although I do feel bad I made them cry. But you know what they say, nargles get barnacles.”

Harriet nodded along, and then the train lurched and moved forwards. Hogwarts express was leaving, and she felt a little bit more confident in her choice as it picked up speed.

* * *

Harriet did not often do makeup. Or hair. Or anything. She preferred to keep her hair as crazy as it was when she was born. Although with her power of being a metamorphmagus she kept it from tangling. Which was pretty great. And so, it was out of the ordinary to force her hair to calm down and to straighten it. Along with a few braids, and a bit of mascara and perfect porcelain skin powder, Harriet hoped to present Molly Weasley the complete opposite of who she was. It was part of a plan.

She stepped off the Hogwarts express, bidding a goodbye to Luna as she did so. Steam exited from the train in a blast, covering most of the platform. It didn’t stink of chemicals or smoke, thank goodness for magic. But it did obscure her vision momentarily.

Harriet caught the sight of red hair, and was about to call out a friendly greeting when the smoke vanished enough for her to see who exactly it was.

“Oh, hullo Harri!” Ronald Weasley seemed to be surprised as Harriet was. “I didn’t know you were traveling for the hols. Are you staying with the Bones?” He was a mess as always. His robes were wrinkled, and his hair was uncombed. He looked like he had just rolled out of bed.

Two pairs of hands reached out of the steam and grabbed Ron by the shoulder, “oh Ronny, don’t you know?” One twin, Harriet glanced at them to see it was Fred.

“Lil Harriet has been invited to come stay with us!” George finished the sentence. He pulled Ron away from Harriet with a sharp tug.

“Wait what?” Ron spluttered, but George was guiding him away.

Fred held out an elbow to Harriet, “come along now, milady,” he gave her a grin. Butterflies formed. And within a second, Harriet stomped them down. Now wasn’t the time to be nervous. Even if it was just Fred smiling at her that gave her those feelings. “We’ve had to watch over Ronnie during the train ride. Did you miss us?” He spoke in a low voice.

Harriet took his arm with elegance, “not a bit.” Harriet replied, “I was with Luna. And you know I have a huge crush on her. She’s practically famous.”

Fred sucked in a quiet breath, “damn. You’re right. Please tell me you got her autograph.”

“You know it.” Came Harriet’s muttered reply. It was almost drowned out by a loud exclamation.

“Harriet!” Fred led Harriet out of the steam, to the other side of the platform. Leaving her clearly visible to Molly Weasley. The woman was garbed in a pretty dress, with an apron on. Her hair was short, and curled around her face. “Oh Harriet, I am so happy that you accepted our invitation to join us for the holidays.” She approached Harriet with her arms outstretched and gave her a big hug.

“Oh thank you Miss Weasley,” Harriet said very politely, “I am grateful you invited me to join your family.” She tried to keep herself emotionally distant.

Molly reached up and pinched Harriet’s cheek, “oh you are too nice. You’re practically family to us. After that dreadful time with the contracts, I remember looking at you and thinking, ‘that little girl needs a family.’ During the dispute over your guardians, I did offer for you to live with us.”

Harriet gave her a forced smile that was a little bit too much like a grimace. “The Bones family treats me very kindly. I am glad that they took me in.” With a bit of a pause, she said, “I am honored that you put in an offer to raise me.” That was all she could manage to get out before Harriet bit her tongue.

After the court battle… after _everything_ Harriet had to deal with in her third year, she had been exhausted. The news slandered her, the fight for her freedom was horrible. Tearing Dumbledore from his place of power was long and painful. And when Harriet had sat down with the goblins with her new guardian, Amelia Bones, and they asked her if she wanted to sue the Weasleys for signing the betrothal contract. A part of that contract was a monthly stipend that was given to the Weasleys. The goblins wanted to know if she wanted to pry that missing money back from the lady who authenticated Ron’s part in the magical binding contract. Molly Weasley herself.

She knew. She knew and set up the betrothal contract. With the help of Dumbledore, Molly had tried to take as much money from Harriet as she could. Stealing from her without hesitating.

Tired, exhausted, and done with the situation, Harriet had decided to let it all go. What Molly had taken from her wouldn’t harm her vaults. And it was worth it to just drop the whole situation and go back to a normal life. And Harriet did so, letting Molly get away with it all. But the peace of mind, and the knowledge that she wasn’t turning her two best friends away from her, made it better.

It was the only thing that Harriet had refrained from telling George and Fred about the whole fiasco.

“Oh you are so sweet!” Molly said, before turning to her other children. Ginny looked standoffish, uninterested in the reunion. Harriet didn’t blame her, she had heard about the howlers her mum sent her after Ginny made it clear that she was playing Quidditch and nobody could stop her. Ginny was hitting her teenage rebellion, and Harriet approved of her. 

“Oh my babies, I missed you.” Molly then embraced her other children one by one. And Harriet pretended to look at a bench as Molly hissed at Ron about his appearance. “You need to make a good impression!” Was all that Harriet heard, and Ron mumbled something.

“Well, does everybody have their things? Your father is waiting for us.” Molly sent a look in Ron’s way, “Ron why don’t you take Harriet’s trunk?” She whirled on Harriet, “have you ever traveled by floo?”

“Oh yes,” Harriet agreed, letting Ron take her trunk. It was a shame that somehow the lightweight charm on it failed three minutes ago. “Where to?”

“The Burrow, my dear.” Molly gestured to the giant floo connection that the platform held. “George would you help Harriet get home?” She looked at Fred, “thanks dear. I’ll see you in a few moments.”

Fred gave a huff, and Harriet let him guide her over the fireplaces. “Still sure about this?” Fred muttered to her. Harriet gave him a look.

“Don’t tempt me. I can still floo over to Lee’s house. I bet he wouldn’t even be surprised.” Harriet replied. “And besides, I heard I’m meeting your cousin Bernard. I want to know another Weasley.” She grabbed a handful of the bright green powder, and tossed it into the fireplace. “The Burrow.” And she stepped into it.

Fred blinked at the after image of Harriet, and a loopy smile came to his face. Then looked up and saw Ginny looking at him. “What?” Fred asked bluntly. Behind him, Molly’s voice rose to a crescendo as she yelled at Ron for not making an effort on his appearance. George was trapped within the conversation, unable to leave without risking the wrath of their mother.

“Nothing, you big dork.” Ginny replied, but still stared at him.

Fred grabbed the floo powder and pointed at Ginny, “happy Christmas to you too, Gin.” He said as he disappeared.

* * *

Within a half an hour, the plan was set into motion.

After being ushered into Bill’s old room, the first thing Harriet did was open the window and leaned out. Below her, another window was open and George was peering up at her. He flashed a hand signal at her. _Filch is in a bathing suit._

Harriet, bewildered, sent him a _what the fuck_ hand sign. She gave him a disgusted look. She didn’t want to have that image in her head.

George repeated his hand signal. Then added, _rock and roll is for the weak._

“What?” Harriet hissed out, her breath fogging up in the winter air.

George seemed baffled as well. “What?” He whispered loudly at her.

“What?” She repeated.

George sighed and facepalmed, “we need to write down hand signals. I get confused by how many we have. Are you ready?”

Harriet nodded, and with a smooth motion, she tossed a leg out the window and climbed out. She hung from the window sill, and George pointed his wand at her. A whispered spell later, she was gently guided to his window, where Harriet climbed in. George cast another spell at Bill's old window and it shut with a snap.

“Are you ready?” George looked a bit nervous, shifting from one foot to another.

“No, turn around.” Harriet told him.

His eyebrows lifted, “what?”

“Turn around! I need to change my clothes.” Harriet was already taking off her shoes. They needed to hurry. Arthur was going to go pick up cousin Bernard in a few minutes, and they had to get there before Arthur left. Without another word, George turned around and stared out the window. Harriet turned her back to him and started to shuck her school outfit.

Through Lee, bless his easily bribed heart, Harriet was able to get Bernard’s clothes. She tossed her clothes over onto one of the bunk beds, and withdrew a large flannel shirt. But Bernard certainly didn’t wear a bra, and that was shucked off. She kept her pants on, she was cold, so sue her. Within a few minutes, she was clad in her disguise. “Okay,” she gave George the all clear. Harriet was practically drowning in the too-large clothes. “What am I supposed to look like? Give me an idea.” She tucked a large hat under her arm.

George was red. And he let out a cough. “Erm. I uh.” He wasn’t looking Harriet in the eye. He kept his face pointed up at the ceiling.

“Oh please,” Harriet rolled her eyes, “don’t be embarrassed I changed in your room. I’ve done that plenty of times in Hogwarts. Besides, I’m more concerned that you looked up my skirt when I was hanging above you.”

He started to cough. “I would never-” George was turning an even brighter red, nearly matching his hair. And Harriet gave him a teasing smile.

“I’m just giving you a hard time. But we need to go! I’ll decide what to look like when I’m there.” Harriet held out her arm. George didn’t hesitate, taking her arm and within a second both of them apparated away.

A few minutes later, George returned and thumped down the stairs. Catching the sight of the car driving away with their dad behind the wheel from a window. Fred was leaning up against a wall, and he raised an eyebrow to George’s flushed face. George slumped on the wall next to Fred, letting himself slowly slide down the vertical barrier.

“What happened?” Fred asked bemused.

“Window reflection,” was all that George could say before the flush turned darker. No matter how much Fred needled, George didn’t say another word on the subject. He just slid down the wall even further, as if wishing the ground would swallow him up.

* * *

“Who is Bernard?” Ron asked loudly. Hours had passed. The sun was setting, and George and Fred were getting a touch nervous. Harriet should have been back with their dad ages ago. In fact, Fred had to go up and change into Harriet’s clothes and take place a dozen appearance changing charms on himself. He made a rather convincing Harriet. It helped that they both had red hair. With her make-up to hide all of the imperfections, such as her freckles and other things he couldn’t perfectly replicate, they were almost an exact copy. Well. Except for the tissues he shoved down his shirt to emulate her girlish shape. Fred was forced to sit next to Ron on the couch, as they waited for the return of their father. Molly wouldn’t let fake-Harriet sit anywhere but next to Ron.

Merlin, his mother really did want Harriet to hook up with Ron.

“He’s a distant cousin from my side of the family.” Molly waved a ladle around. “Remember my second cousin?” She was bustling to and fro from the kitchen, preparing for a feast of a meal.

“The squib who became a muggle accountant?” Ginny asked.

“Yes, my cousin Gary.” Molly said in a tight voice, “he had a child with his second wife. And his son Bernard ended up having magic. Greg never talked about us, you have to understand.” Molly bustled around the kitchen, “we kicked him out of the family and from the wizarding world. And so, Bernard ended looking through some history books and noticed the name Prewett was an English name. He reached out a few weeks ago, asking to meet with us and to get to know our family. We invited him to stay for the holidays.”

“Where is he from?” Ginny asked, but the front door opened. Arthur stepped in, not noticing the conversation he interrupted.

“That’s fascinating!” Arthur exclaimed, “I had no idea that door-mats were made to do that!” Spotting his family in the living room, he gave them a broad grin. “Everybody, meet Bernard Prewett. He is an absolute delight! He knows so much about the muggle world.”

A man stepped into the room. Harriet had outdone herself. He was tall with sandy blonde tied up a short ponytail. With a strong jawline, with a crooked white smile. Bernard was handsome. The top button of his flannel shirt was popped open, showing a hint of tan skin with a shark tooth necklace. It was clear that he worked out often, his muscles straining the confines of the sleeves.

“Howdy y’all,” he said in a deep smooth drawl. Bernard bowed, tipping his cowboy hat to the Weasleys. “I’m Bernie. It’s a pleasure to finally meet’cha.”

* * *

**December 12th, 1995**

(eight days before)

_Ghost?_

_Man eating centaur._

_Clown?!_

_Thick and almost impossible to understand German accent._

_Big eyebrows._

_Regularly hints at being a were-beast of some kind and hungers for the flesh of babies. Or pickles._

_Percy but with big eyebrows. Even bigger than mentioned before. With a thick impossible to understand German accent._

_A mime (which is different from a clown, thank you Fred)._

_Polish???_

_Goblin activist._

Harriet tapped the parchment with the feather side of the quill, trying to think. After the excitement of a plan starting to form, they needed to actually get started on the finer details. She was laying on one of the boys' beds, probably George’s, and the night was starting to set in. Fred sat on the ground next to her, and George was on Fred’s bed. Lee had tried, and failed, to go to sleep.

“What about Bernard is going to be his personality?” Harriet asked for the sixth time. The list wasn’t particularly good. The only one Harriet could really get behind was perhaps mime. So then she never had to speak but constantly pantomimed her motions. Actually. Maybe that might get a little annoying. Harriet was trying to already figure out the hand motions of ‘I need to use the loo’ without it being crass.

“Crazy lunatic,” was George’s answer.

Harriet let out a small scoff, but ended up giving up staring at the paper and fell head first onto George’s bed. “We can’t do that though.” She said through layers of muffled bedsheets. She breathed in, and hmmm. It smelled like George. That was nice. Really nice.

Okay, maybe she was also a bit tired as well. Looks like they’re going to have another sleepover. Harriet on a transfigured bed, made out of _‘Hogwarts, a History.’_ The only copy in the whole school which had mysteriously disappeared, much to Hermione’s absolute horror. It was hilarious to the three of them, because it was such a dry and terrible read that it even put Harriet to sleep within a few minutes of resting on it.

“We need a type of person who is just fundamentally weird.” Fred spoke. That shook Harriet out of her bed smelling stupor. She thought he had nodded off an hour ago. “So strange, so unusual, something our family has never seen before, and cannot really question the weird and strange things he does.”

George hummed, half asleep on the bed. And Harriet was starting to think that they might just fall asleep where they were. It was far into the middle of the night, and although they had thought up of some hilarious tricks they could use, Bernard was a rather important piece to play as well. And they had to know what Bernard could get away with so that way they could plan around his actions. There were so many options to choose from but in order to make it so the Weasley’s can’t question the ‘culture’ of Bernard’s antics.

But the idea of it was like trying to herd cats…

Harriet sat up suddenly, the bit of parchment failing to stick to her face and it fell to George’s bed. Fred blinked wearily up at her, shocked into consciousness by her sudden movement.

“I’ve got it.” Harriet whispered reverently, as if Merlin had just come down from the sky and was gifting her a broom made out of gold. This made George and Fred stir, and they looked at her as Harriet began to cackle like a maniac. Then, with the quill, she crossed out each and every time that she had written, and underneath it she wrote in capital letters. She then handed it to Fred as she fell back onto the bed with a mad giggle.

Fred bursted out in laughter as soon as he saw it. “You’re mental.” He sat up grabbing Harriet’s hand and pulled her onto her feet. He gave her a twirl, grinning, “you’re perfectly mental. It’s perfect.”

“What is it?” George pulled himself off of Fred’s bed and snatched at the piece of paper. And there, written with runny ink that ran across the page, was two words. And George began to cackle as well.

_TEXAN COWBOY._

(“Guys come’on, I’m trying to sleep.” Lee whined from his bed. “Can’t you guys just, you know, plot elsewhere?”

“Shut up, Lee,” a chorus of three mischief makers responded.)

**Author's Note:**

> Join discord with me and my buddies. We hardly ever talk. But we do share a lot of fic recs of various fandoms.  
> [My Discord Invite.](https://discord.gg/3y9W9rK)  
> 


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